When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
