It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize