why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
