Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
