his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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