I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
