winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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