After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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