i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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