I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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