Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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