you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
