Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
