I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
