He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
