I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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