the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
