You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
