I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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