this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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