I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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