Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
