Taylor Swift is so right about you.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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