Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
