miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
there is glitter all over my balls
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