my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize