Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
