Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
