You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
