I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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