Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
