Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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