i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
barbara walters just said penis...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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