The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
