i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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