bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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