Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
