as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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