Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
