So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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