you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
