I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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