would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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