Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
