i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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