I am in a vortex of obligation.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
i now understand why vodka
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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