i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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