My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
