She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
