Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
