Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
