Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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