Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
