We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
