I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
