I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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