I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize