Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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