I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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