the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
