I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
