Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
