somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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