i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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