My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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