They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
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